A New Partner Won't Fix You

by Andrew Cromwell

We love the idea of a “match made in heaven” and “soul-mates”. Our movie industry makes millions rehashing this idea over and over. The romantic comedy movie genre churns out movies eagerly gobbled up by a public who is fascinated with the notion that people are made for each other and must be together. These movies are full of cheesy lines like “you complete me” and “death cannot stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while.”

The problem with this notion, that there is one other person in the world that perfectly matches you, is that it is bogus. Honestly, the reason we like this idea so much, is because we are so incredibly selfish! We want a relationship that is exciting, romantic, sweet, and passionate — and who wouldn’t — but we want it to be easy. We tell ourselves that if we were married to the right person, love, care and concern would just flow out of us. Our partner would make us want to be a better person because they would meet all of our needs and we would make them a better person as we meet all of theirs. And this beautiful love cycle would just self-reinforce as we live on in bliss until the end of time.

Have you noticed that these movies are all about finding the right person and overcoming all the obstacles until they finally get together? Once they are together, the movie ends. It is as if the greatest challenge in the world is to just find the person whose soul fits perfectly with yours and once you have done that, the rest is easy!

Just remember, movies are made to entertain, not reflect reality. But this idea is so powerful, that we adopt it, sometimes without even realizing it. And when we hit difficulty in our marriage, we cannot help but begin to question whether or not we found the right person to begin with! After all, had we found the right person, we wouldn’t be having this kind of challenge.  And before long we have decided that the answer is to get unhitched from this partner so that we can find the one that completes us.

And the cycle goes on and on.

The sad reality is that we are selfish and lazy and we give up too easily. We blame our partner, we blame the circumstances, we blame the stars, but rarely do we stop blaming and buckle down and do the hard work of love. We talk about love, but we forget that it means that we have to forgive, think the best of our partner, and keep loving even when we don’t want to.

I’ve heard lots of definitions of love, but none is better than the source. As you read it, ask God to help you actually live this out with your spouse and to stop looking for a way out:

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything, trusts God always,

Always looks for the best, never looks back,

But keeps going to the end (1 Corinthians 13:3-7).

Lost

by Tim Howard

I am fascinated with advanced technology, how about you? The other day my wife and son went for a 5-mile walk and they were able to track their route, speed and distance by simply connecting to a satellite system.

The Global Positioning System (GPS) is a space-based satellite navigation system that provides location and time information in all weather conditions, anywhere on or near the Earth. The system provides critical capabilities to many but practically it is very useful in mapping out a destination and giving clear directions  – With this system you don’t need to be lost. You can find your way! 

One name given to Jesus in the Bible is ‘Immanuel.” The name means: ‘God with us.’ God does not stand aloof from His creation nor watch things unwind from a distance. He never has and never will. He is with us! He guides, helps, comforts, corrects, encourages and shows us the way to live. We may lose sight of Him because of darkness but He never loses sight of us. Jesus is our G.P.S. He is God’s Presence surrounding us.

Before G.P.S. was invented a friend named Ron lost his way as he was trying to find a small country church where he had been invited to speak. He left the hotel room early to assure a timely arrival but not being familiar with the country roads and landmarks he ended up totally and completely lost. Even though it was humbling for him to admit he needed some help, he decided to stop at the first country store he found. 

After asking directions the owner said: “First you take Rural Route 18 -- that’s this road here -- go south to the big red bran with black trim. Black trim and not white! The white-trimmed one is the old Wilkerson place and the Timmitville Bridge is out, so you don’t want to go that way, trust me”.  Ron nodded to acknowledge he was listening. “Anyway” he went on, “after you get to the barn, head due east on Berrybriar road until you come to a creek. Turn north on the unmarked road and go -- maybe two, three miles till you get to the big aluminum grain silo. Turn south there till you see the big herd of Guernsey cows”…

To Ron’s surprise a man interrupted the conversation and said: “Pardon me, my name is Lyle. Didn’t mean to listen in, but are you the visiting pastor speaking at the church on Petersburg Road?” “Well yes, I am” Ron said. “Well, pastor, why don’t you just follow me to the church. I know the way.”

Sometimes you can lose your way in life and it’s a lot easier to follow someone than to figure things out with your own intellect. You don’t have to keep track of barns or silos or Guernsey cows. All you need to do is follow Jesus. He won’t just tell you where to go and what to do, He will actually lead you and show you the way.

Psalms 139 makes it clear that He “goes before us.” He charts a path for us and knows where we should stop, when we need to rest and the best route for the journey. You don’t need to be lost!

Stop Taking Yourself Out Of The Game

by Andrew Cromwell

You see it all the time in professional sports. A player who has all the talent, all the ability and all the coaching, but they just can't get out of their own way. Sometimes it is because their life off the playing field spills over into their ability to function athletically. Other times, there is a mental game going on in their head and they are losing.

We see it happen in sports, and we see it happen in life in general. Because of the script running inside people's heads, they take themselves out of healthy relationships, keep themselves isolated from healthy human contact, stay silent when they should speak up and generally sabotage their own ability to move forward in life.  Until we learn to tame the inner critic and change the recording that constantly feeds us negativity and self-destructive thought patterns, we will withdraw instead of moving forward in life.

This happens spiritually too. Most all of us have done it at one time or another. We start thinking about getting closer to God or getting back into church (or going for the first time), and immediately we think of all the reasons we are not good enough and why we don't have a chance. We remind our self about how messed up we are and all the reasons why God wouldn't want to have anything to do with us. And before we've even moved one step in that healthy direction, we have taken ourselves out of the game.

It is part of our human nature. When we feel less than worthy, we hide. Whenever we feel tension, we tend to withdraw from a relationship, rather then pushing forward and dealing with the cause of the friction. We play this same unfruitful game with our Father God. The moment we fail Him, we decide we have no right to be close to Him, and we take two steps back. Even worse, sometimes we figure if we've already messed up, we might as well just go all the way, and we end up running in the other direction altogether.

We do it because we have a false belief that God is waiting to smack us down when we fail. We might believe this because of the way our own dad acted with us or because some authority figure in our life walked away from us when we failed. But this is just the opposite of what we should do. Jesus gave us a perfect picture of Father God when He walked here on earth, and what He showed us was that He is not afraid of our failure. Jesus told Peter (who would shortly betray Him), "I have prayed for you, that when you have failed you will be strengthened and then strengthen others" (Luke 22:32).

This is what God wants to do when we mess up. He wants to strengthen us. Remember, He knew we were going to mess up in the first place! So even though we are surprised when we mess up, He isn't! He doesn't step away from us because we mess up, we step away from Him. His desire is ALWAYS to fix us!

And this is the sad irony of it all. The very moment we should be drawing closer to Him and asking Him for help, forgiveness and restoration, we instead are moving farther from Him. We are taking ourselves out of the very relationship that is the most healthy and healing for us.

So the next time, that inner voice inside your head starts to tell you that you're not good enough to step closer to God, you tell it to shut up and take a bold step forward into the arms of a Father who is waiting to heal and restore. Don't wait to be good enough for Him (we never will be on our own), instead ask Him to help you and fix you. He always answers "yes" to that question.

The Back Roads of Life

by Tim Howard

I’m a freeway type of person, how about you? If I’m going somewhere, I like to get there quickly. I don’t want to get behind someone going slower than the speed limit, someone who is out to see the sights or someone who isn’t in a hurry – unlike me. Imagine how happy I would be if it were legal to purchase and install some blinking red and blue lights on the top of my car. I would promise to never use them unless I was in a hurry! Then again, I always seem to be in a hurry.

Back roads are slower but God usually chooses this type of road to shape us and make us into what we are designed to be. He’s not interested in speed as much as substance and moving at a slower pace allows God to do more than a superficial work in us. 

Back roads are narrow. If you have ever driven in the mountains you know what I mean. Jesus said: “… wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matt 7:13-14. When you narrow your focus, you increase the force of what Jesus can do and open the door to life.

Back roads are dimly lit, if lit at all and Jesus uses our darkness to reveal his light. He is at work when darkness surrounds you – He works the night shift! King David said: “even the darkness will not be dark to you – the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm. 139:12

Back roads are bumpy, littered with potholes and often not paved. If you are looking for convenience, comfort and trying to avoid pain, then freeway living is a logical choice. If you want to make an impact and grow some deep roots, however, back roads are the best. Jesus intentionally uses our hurts, pains and the troubles of life to develop us rather than destroy us.  The Apostle Paul confirmed this by saying, I’ve been knocked down but not destroyed.

Back roads are where you will meet Jesus.  Back in the 60’s the Hippie Movement was in full swing and it was common to see people hitch-hiking along the road. You never saw them on the freeway, however – only roads less traveled. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus can be found on the freeways of life too but you miss Him because you don’t take time to notice.

If you are caught up in the ‘rat race’ of our culture, moving at great speeds but making little progress – If you have forgotten that the process is as important as the goal – If your busyness had blurred the significance of life then you may want to look for a back road.

I promise you this. You won’t get to your destination as quickly but you will smell some roses along the way, see some life-changing things and encounter Jesus along the way.

Pastor Tim Howard is the Lead Pastor at Koinonia Christian Fellowship. Any comments can be sent to: tim@kcfchurch.org

A Fresh Perspective

by Andrew Cromwell

I tend to see things one way. My way. Knowing this, I do my best to see things from another perspective. If I’m dealing with someone and we just don’t see “eye-to-eye”, I do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt and see things from their point of view. 

This is all well and good until my emotions get involved. Because when my feelings get hurt or when I get angry—I stop playing the part of the cool, detached “bigger perspective” person who can see the value in everyone’s opinion. Suddenly, the other person’s view not only doesn’t make much sense, it’s just downright dumb.

Even in the best of moments, I am severely limited. As much as I try to see the bigger picture, I find that my own selfish perspective keeps slipping in and clouding my view. And I get stuck there until I remember that there is another, better way. 

When I remember what God said to Isaiah—” my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways”—it wakes me from my selfish slumber. I must admit, it is a little embarrassing when I discover that I once again have fallen into the old pattern of thinking that I could figure things out on my own. But after I get over myself and face up to the reality that if I try to get a new perspective without first inviting God into the situation, then I have done nothing but just “try”. 

Trying is nice. Doing is better. Have you ever “tried” to be a better person? It rarely works. Before you know it, you’re right back where you started, stuck back in the old thinking and habit patterns. That is because “trying” is a lousy strategy. 

Dying is much better. Yes, dying. As in, put a fork in it, it’s done. Dying means that we give up our old perspective because we realize that it is just plain lousy. We give up on “trying” to see from the other person’s point of view. Instead, we replace our old perspective with a new one. We replace our old eyes with new eyes.

God said to Ezekiel, “I will give you a new heart.” That’s what you and I need. We need God’s perspective. Enough with “trying” to figure things out and “trying” to hyper analyze the situation. It’s time to realize that we are selfish, limited, broken people that can do little without God’s help. 

If we really want to see into another person’s world and to walk a mile in their shoes, we need to ask God to replace our perspective with His perspective. You see, if anyone is able to fully understand a larger view, it is Father God. 

So the next time you don’t understand your boss, your spouse, your kids, your co-workers or that crazy driver who just blew by and flipped you off, don’t “try.” Die. Die to your natural reaction of anger, bitterness or frustration. Instead, ask God to give you His perspective, His heart. Ask Him to give you His love for that person. 

And you know what? He will.

The Good Thing About Failing

by Tim Howard

Everyone fails at some time! I know this to be true but it doesn’t make me feel any better when it happens. No one wants to mess up and there are a myriad of reasons. It’s painful, evokes feelings of disappointment, may have negative effects, is very difficult to see anything positive and recovery takes a lot of effort.  No one sets out to fail but it happens.

One major example is recorded in Joshua chapter 7 in the Old Testament. Joshua was a great leader of Israel and if you read his story, you will discover a massive failure that affected a whole lot of people in an adverse way. In his attempt to besiege a city called ‘Ai’, in order to capture more territory he failed in the attempt. He miscalculated some important details and didn’t have a clear understanding of the big picture.

His example should warn all of us. Whether it be an individual, a corporate business or the leadership of a nation, failure waits around the corner for those do not thoroughly investigate all the facts and clearly see the ‘big picture’ before making major decision of the magnitude that Joshua made.

When failure happens, however, I’ve learned two responses that can help greatly. Joshua did both and was able to move beyond his failure. Some people move on in life after a defeat but you must move beyond the collapse to recover totally.

1. Seek to discover the root problem so you can correct it. There’s always a reason behind any failure. What are some of the reasons we fail?

A life of secrecy and sin surely lead the list but other things contribute as well. When you put in minimum effort and expect maximum results failure is nearby. If you act upon bad advice the results can be devastating. Make sure you know to whom you are listening. The ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ syndrome is responsible for many failures and defeat happens frequently if we don’t make a commitment and demonstrate perseverance. Whatever the root reason is, it’s worth finding. It may be obscure, hazy or concealed but you can’t fix something unless you know where it’s broken?

2. Don’t react to failure but respond.

Emotions are wonderful but if you allow them to lead your decision making process in the midst of failure you will react improperly rather than respond correctly.

Here’s a few ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ when you fail.

Don’t be quick to look outside before you have taken a long look inside. This will lead to shifting the responsibility onto someone else. Others may have contributed to your debacle but that doesn’t make them responsible for what you do. Do accept full responsibility for your own life and the decisions you make.

Don’t ignore the facts and fail to recognize the ‘Elephant’ in the room. Do focus fully on the problem and seek an honest evaluation.

Don’t quit – take another swing. Someone said, “Failure doesn’t have to be final.”

Don’t blame God but pray to Him. The first thing Joshua did when failure happened was to call out to the One who could help. Some people will look down on you when failure happens and possibly reject you, but Jesus will ALWAYS work with you if you come to Him. There’s something good that can come out of failure if we call on God.

Your Fiscal Cliff

by Andrew Cromwell

There has been a lot of talk of late about our economy and whether or not we are in recovery or still in recession. The federal government has been pumping money into our financial system for the last five years in order to buoy our economy and prevent further financial meltdown. Meanwhile, all of this spending has been getting expensive and our government’s attempts to put our financial house in order came to a head at the beginning of this year. This “crisis” was averted by the same congress that had created it at the 11th hour by passing other legislation (which I will not begin to go into here).

It seems that our government lacks the will to make the real changes necessary for a long-term solution to the financial woes of our country. This is not surprising since our government is made up of people we elect and who represent our desires. According to a recent Gallup poll, only 30% of Americans actually budget their money and have long-term financial goals. The other 70% live without much of a plan except to survive the month.

So it should not surprise us that our political leaders don’t stand up and try to sell America on “tightening its collective financial belt”. If they did, 70% of us would scratch our heads and then go out and buy another Starbucks.

But we should not lose hope. Small changes in personal finances can equal big changes in your world. As Dave Ramsey says, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have some month at the end of your money?” When we do, we discover a new kind of confidence about the future. Even if the car breaks down or the dryer gives out, we know it is going to be okay because we have told our money where to go rather than watching it walk out the door.

The consumer mentality is pervasive in our culture. Earlier this week, I realized I was trolling the ads online just to see what was on sale in case I “needed” something. It is amazing how quickly I can discover something we don’t have that we “need.” And before I know it, I have pulled out my credit card and made the purchase. I make the same mistake when I go to Target just to walk the aisles.

Whenever I find myself a little out of control financially, I realize it’s time to get back to the basics. First, you and I must know where our money is going.  Far too often, the money slips through our fingers because we have not made a plan (a budget) and live by accident. That budget is the second thing that is NECESSARY if we are going to get our money in line. We complain all the time that our government doesn’t have a budget, and yet most of us don’t either. Something is wrong with that picture!

Third, we must plan for the future because we are going to need some money when we get there. You are going to need money for retirement. You are going to need money to help your kids during their college years. You are going to need money because life is going to happen. If you don’t have a plan, then you will always be surprised by everything.

Fourth, you must decide to be happy. Contentment is key if we are going to get a hold of our finances. If we are always unhappy with what we have, we will always be looking for ways to spend our way into happiness. The problem is, more stuff does not equal happiness, it just equals more stuff.