Oh Delete Button

by Candace Cortez

I love social media! Instagram is my favorite. I do admit, there are seasons that I fall prey to the time-killing scrolling habit. I often joke about how I need to literally move my apps around because when I attempt to return a text or check something on my calendar, my thumb auto clicks Insta and I’m done for at least 7 minutes until I realize I was led astray and sheepishly make my way back to my calendar app. But that’s not what this article is about. It’s about the blessed delete button.

Just this evening, as I was reading a post by a friend who had some not so nice things to say about another friend, I began my helpful, biblical, and probably truthfully loving response. Then I realized where I was. I was not sitting at a table with this person sharing life thoughts and ideas. I was not on a couch with a cup of coffee where she could read my facial expressions and receive an opportunity to reply to my reply in a timely conversational manner. There wasn’t the confidentiality of actual voiced or privately texted reply. I was on a social media platform about to pass judgment on a friend in a public way. Thank you Lord, for the delete button!

I am not anti-confrontation. Actually, I love a good heated discussion when done with healthy ground rules. I love being challenged by ideas and to be heard well when my own ideas challenge others. I don’t always love being the bearer of bad news when it’s one directional, but I do enjoy growth or learning oriented dialogue. But, I am not convinced every thought, agreeable or otherwise, belongs online. And here’s why.

•    Proverbs10:19 NLT

     Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

•    Proverbs 13:3 NASB

     The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips 

     comes to ruin.

•    Proverbs 18:21 NIV

     The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

•    Matthew 12:36 NASB

     But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting

     for it in the day of judgment.

•    Ephesians 4:29 NIV

     Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for 

     building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

•    James 1:26 NLT

     If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and 

     your religion is worthless.

These are just slim pickings of biblical references to how important and powerful our words are. The ability to speak life and control the ramblings of the mouth is actually attached to spiritual maturity. This is all referring to the spoken word. The written word is often even more dangerous. Its copy and paste-ability can allow a damaging thought to continue to burn people much longer than audible communication. Fortunately, we have the blessing of a delete button to partner with the responsibility of the written word. We do not have to press send to every thought we conjure up! We have the blessing of editing! This is not true in conversation when once a thought is said it cannot be sucked back into our dark and unhallowed minds. 

Here is my encouragement to us all: think before you hit send. Edit if you need to. It’s ok to allow someone to post something ignorant, or mean, or just silly without our public opinion. There is a time and place for speaking up for what is more correct or challenging a posted thought. Sometimes that time and place are in the public social media forum. Sometimes, especially if it is a personal issue, it is not.  I often send texts, private messages, or requests for face to face conversations in lieu of a potential hurtful correction or response to someone else’s post. Pray and ask God for the best way. I pray for guidance towards the best way to engage in social media. All things can be for His glory. This includes my Instagram. This includes my posted thoughts. This, praise Jesus, includes the delete button.

In Marriage, Communication is Key

by Andrew Cromwell 

As a pastor, I do my fair share of counseling, both with couples that are preparing to get married and with those who have already crossed that golden threshold into nuptial bliss. Without fail, every couple I meet with says they need to improve their communication skills. To you, dear reader, I have no doubt this is not a novel piece of information. For all of us, when it comes to those we spend the most time with, those we have committed our lives and hearts to, these are the ones with whom we often are the most challenged in the area of our communication.

The sad thing is that instead of getting better at communicating over the years of marriage, what we often do is simply reinforce our bad communication habits. We fight about the same old things in the same old unsuccessful ways. Our positions become so entrenched and so immovable that we no longer fight about the issue. Instead, whenever we begin to get close to the landmine that is the issue, we are distracted by all the barbed wire, camouflage netting and machine guns that are our past arguments, bitterness and judgments. 

We've all seen the couples on TV who are asked to practice assertive communication and active listening. The memorable ones go horribly wrong. The wife says, "When you don't come home from work until after 9pm every night, I feel like you don't love me." The husband replies, "I heard you say that you hate my work and you think I don't love you." We all cringe slightly because we know that is not what the wife said, but at the same time we all wonder how much our own arguments are just the same.

Building new communication skills and breaking through old communication patterns is not easy, but then again nothing worth anything in life is easy. You and your spouse may have come to a place where you have forged an uneasy peace and in order to move forward in your relationship, things are actually going to have to get uglier before they get better. You are going to have to face issues that are uncomfortable and even explosive, but if you are committed to walk through it together then you can come out on the other side with greater intimacy and a stronger relationship.

If you want to see your relationship grow, I would suggest you do the following: First, talk with your spouse and agree together that you are going to seek a stronger, deeper relationship. Second, get some help! Take a marriage class, go to a marriage retreat or seek some counseling. For example, at Koinonia, we have a marriage class called Building a Successful Marriage. There are so many good resources available around us, but we often starve our relationship while surrounded by a wealth of resources. Third, work, work, work! Your marriage is worth it!

Missing Ingredients

by Blake Cromwell

During the 70’s I worked in a home for teens. Once a week the boys’ home would have dinner together with the girls’ home. It was always a fun filled time with laughter and smiles.

One night we celebrated the birthday of one of the boys. One of the girls from the girls’ home who had a crush on the birthday boy made him a cake. It was her first attempt at baking a cake and she labored diligently to impress her potential boyfriend.

When she rounded the corner that evening the 16 candles illuminated the dark chocolate cake and all of our mouths began to water in anticipation. As she portioned out the cake piece by beautiful chocolate piece, we couldn’t wait to taste this marvel. In unison we slid the first fork-full into our mouths and instantly knew something was wrong. The cake was tasteless. Something — sugar, salt, eggs — something had been forgotten.

She was embarrassed, we were disappointed, and the potential courtship was over. And all because she had missed one ingredient.

One ingredient can make or break a family just like it can make or break a cake. I meet with people often in the midst of crisis. Many times they are struggling with their kids because they’ve left out one important ingredient from the recipe for raising a healthy family. They concentrated on making money and forgot communication. They taught their kids how to study but not how to say no to peer pressure. They eat well but neglect exercise.

I read a story recently about a young social worker who had just graduated from college and taken her first assignment in the inner city. It was there she met Danny.

The boy was curled up against a wall watching his friends play stickball. Danny couldn’t walk and he couldn’t run. So the young social worker decided she would find out what was wrong with Danny. She discovered that about a year before Danny had been playing ball with his friends. He chased after a fly ball and into the path of an oncoming car. His arms and legs were broken and there was damage to his back and ribs.

Some of the children took Danny to his mom who neglected to take him to the hospital. So when the bones began to heal they healed crooked. He couldn’t walk and he couldn’t run, so his friends would carry him down and lean him up against the wall of the building so he could watch them play ball.

The social worker determined to help Danny. She took him to a hospital and there over a period of months Danny underwent 17 separate operations on his legs, arms and back. Finally that day came when once again Danny was able to play stickball…to walk and to run. After months of operations and physical therapy, they had taught Danny to walk again.

Years later the social worker was standing in front of a large gathering of other social workers from all over the country. After telling the story to the group, the social worker asked, “What do you think Danny is doing today?”

Someone said, “I bet Danny is a social worker just like you.” Another guessed Danny was a teacher. Others guessed he was a coach or a pastor of a church.

The social worker shook her head, “Today, Danny is on death row in prison for having, committed murder. You see, we taught him how to walk; we just never taught him where to walk.”

One ingredient can make all the difference in the world. This week the Pastors in the Kings County would love to add an essential ingredient to your life. That ingredient comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.