Three Nights in Paris

by Andrew Cromwell

Last summer, my family had the incredible opportunity to spend a month in Europe.  We traveled through Belgium and France and dipped into the Netherlands, Germany and even Switzerland. Since it was a family trip, we visited cathedrals and castles as well as water parks and zoos. The trip ranks at the top of our family experiences, except, that is, for our time in Paris.

Since we were staying with family, my wife and I had planned to leave the kids and travel alone to Paris for three nights. When the time came, we hopped on a bullet train and traveled at upwards of 200 miles an hour to the most romantic city in the world. We checked into a four star hotel (for $70 a night!) and prepared for a memorable mini-vacation.

And it was memorable, but not in the way we had hoped. Yes, we saw the sights—we visited the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa, walked across the Seine on Pont Neuf, blissfully watched the world go by on a canal cruise, and ate escargot and rabbit in the 6th Arrondissement. We held hands and we walked and walked and walked (which is not optional in Paris). 

But most of the time, even while surrounded by the beauty, my wife and I were just not clicking. At first the disconnect was below the surface, but as the hours wore on (and as I continued to drag her from sight to sight), the tension rose until finally on the third day it all came to a head on a rainy Paris morning.

Right in the middle of the best vacation, we had the worst vacation of our marriage.  And while we have long since reconciled and can now laugh about it, Paris stands as a paragon of dark irony—the most romantic city turned nightmare (at least for the two of us). 

Have you ever had a vacation like that? Or maybe it wasn’t a vacation, but it was a time when you and your spouse were just not clicking and you were caught in a downward spiral that you couldn’t escape. Chances are, if it hasn’t, it will. There are times when even the best of friends get out of sync, communication breaks down, and feelings get hurt. 

Jesus said in Luke chapter 17, “offenses will come!” We should expect it. If we don’t, then we are setting ourselves up for some big surprises. The real challenge is not avoiding offense and conflict, it is being able to walk through it and come out better friends on the other side. 

How do you keep conflict from driving a wedge between you and your spouse? Here are a few things I’ve learned that may be helpful the next time you find yourself in a Paris situation.

First, be careful what you say. Watch your mouth! Proverbs 10:19 says, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” When we are hurt we tend to lash out in anger and cause more hurt. Don’t do it.

Second, choose kindness rather than coldness. You have a choice to make when things are going well, you can move towards your spouse or move away. Most of us tend to move away. We start to freeze our spouse out. Next time, instead of the cold shoulder treatment, actually choose to be MORE kind and considerate and not less. Caution: this must be genuine—don’t do it sarcastically or be passive aggressive, it will only make things worse.

Third, deal with the offense quickly. The longer you wait to ask forgiveness for your part (you know you played a part in it so go ahead and take responsibility), the more difficult it becomes to actually heal the breach. Many couples pursue the strategy of never actually dealing with the offense and instead simply ignore it and hope that it doesn’t come up again. But this failed strategy will only set the stage for a future, and probably worse, conflict.

Fourth, remember who the enemy is. The enemy is not your spouse; stop treating them like they are. Link hands even when you’re hurting because you want to come out of this lovers not fighters.

So the next time Paris comes a knocking, have a strategy!

Collision Course with Conflict

by Andrew Cromwell

There are some things in life that you are just not going to be able to avoid. On this list are things like problems, weird relatives and people who won’t stop talking about their iPhone. And not to be forgotten, is the inevitable reality—conflict.

No matter how much you try, you will not be able to avoid conflict. It could be argued, that even if you were to live in total seclusion, you would still be in conflict because of the ever-present battle that wages inside between our heavenly and earthly natures.

This is not to say that every conflict that happens in your life is inevitable. Not by a long stretch. Many of us seem to go out of our way to create unnecessary conflict and contention because we can’t control our tongue. Are you the kind of person that always likes to have the last word or that always has to be right? If you are always in conflict with your friends, family, neighbors and co-workers, then wake up and smell the coffee. You are probably a bit too vocal and you need to stop blaming everyone else for all the drama in your life because it’s you.

But there are some conflicts that are absolutely essential. The battle for your personal destiny, the fight to protect your kids’ innocence, the struggle to keep your marriage—these are just a few. These important conflicts take time and attention. You can’t shortchange them; if you do you always lose.

Are you embroiled in too many conflicts? Maybe it’s time to stop taking yourself so seriously and allow someone else to win an argument once in a while. Those who always have to be right end up being right by themselves. Decide to give up on things that are not essential and make amends.

Have you given up on fighting for the things that matter? It’s time to get back into conflict again. Get back on the horse and start fighting for your marriage again. Sometimes the easy thing (avoiding the difficult conversation) is not the best thing!

This weekend, the pastors in Kings County would love the opportunity to help you settle the conflict between you and God. Once that conflict is settled you can use the strength He gives you to deal with every other conflict in your life!