Dr. Spouse

by Andrew Cromwell

According to the statistics, most people will marry at some point in their life and the vast majority of people prefer being paired up with someone else versus living single. Of course, what is often ironic about that fact is that one of the more frequent questions we ask ourselves once we do get married is, “what was I thinking?” The old adage, “Can’t live with them, can’t live without them” seems to apply all too frequently.

We are wired for relationships -- God built it into our DNA. We can’t get around it. And there is something deeply satisfying when we find that sweet spot in a marriage relationship where we are able to love and be loved and do life together. Almost all of us look at those marriages that have stood the test of time -- people married for 40, 50, and even 60 years -- and want to know, “How did they do it?”

And while there are exceptions, most of these long term marriages seem to have figured out a secret and all of us who would desire that kind of success, desperately want to know what that secret is. How do we make it through the ups and downs of life and still find the other person fascinating?

The answer, or at least one of the answers, to this question, as is often the case, is incredibly simple to understand but will take a lifetime to master. If you want to make it work with your spouse in a way that is magical, then you have to be willing to be a lifetime learner. You have to become a student of your spouse. You have to be willing to study them so well, that you become a Ph.D. in the subject of that singular person that you are married to.

More often than not, marriages fail, not because two people are incompatible, but because they are unwilling. They are unwilling to do the difficult work of figuring each other out. And what is worse, they assume that once they have “figured out their spouse”, they can rest easy. This is a problem because people keep changing throughout the course of their life -- they are not fixed subjects that can be put under glass and studied with a microscope. Rather, they are living, breathing entities that are constantly changing and adjusting. Becoming an expert in this kind of subject takes a lot of time, energy, and effort.

I enjoy watching nature documentaries about exotic animals that are difficult to find. Creatures that only come out at night or live in the remotest of places. Animals that are so rare that sometimes they are thought to be extinct. To capture footage of such creatures is an incredible feat. The camera crew, often just a single individual, must be willing to put in hours of patient study, frequently in extremely difficult conditions, just to get a few seconds of material. And yet they are pleased to wait because they consider the animal worth it.

If only we would be so patient with our spouses! All too often, we are unwilling to wait, unwilling to put in the time, unwilling to go through the difficult conditions to capture the opportunity to truly “see” them. People don’t reveal their inner secrets easily. Real intimacy comes at a price, but often we are unwilling to pay. But for those that pay the price, they get understanding. And with understanding comes great benefits.

So the next time you are frustrated with your spouse and are contemplating throwing in the towel, maybe first you need to ask yourself, “have I really put in the time and effort?” Do I really have a Ph.D. in this subject or have I settled for something less? Am I still a student and a lifetime learner or have I become bored and complacent?

It might be time to pick up the books again! Your spouse is one of the most fascinating people on the planet -- or have you forgotten?

Understand

by Andrew Cromwell

Understanding is a valuable commodity. If there was a way to miraculously increase the amount of understanding between people, it would certainly result in drastic improvements in our world. Because misunderstanding is universal it is hardly necessary to point out examples of the way this affects all of our daily lives. But we will nevertheless.

Misunderstandings are so common we take them for granted. In business, we put clauses in our contracts and endorsements on our insurance policies to help cover the very real costs that accompany failures to communicate. Universities offer degrees in conflict resolution and counselors all over the country have thriving practices because people can’t seem to figure each other out.

If only there was some easy way to solve the problem. If there was an “understanding” pill, we’d swallow it daily without question. Or if there was elective surgery that fixed relationship misunderstandings, it would be more popular than chin tucks and mommy makeovers, guaranteed.

But there is no simple solution to this challenge! Understanding, real understanding, requires sustained effort, deep humility and a sense of humor. The great news is that it is possible. Like any skill that can be honed and improved upon over time, the skill of communicating for understanding is one that can be learned and improved upon.

As with so many other important parts of life, this one functions best if our launching pad is love. When we are grounded in a true and deep loving concern for others, our goal is to understand and not just to dominate.

Whether we are communicating with our children, our spouse, our boss, our best friend, or someone we just met, getting to understanding should always be our goal. And while we may never score a perfect ten when it comes to understanding, following these simple reminders will certainly keep our scores improving.

...keep the goal in mind. If your goal is to win every conversation, then getting to understanding will always take second place. The goal is understanding. Don’t make the conversation about you, but instead about good communication. Worry less about image management (looking good to the other person) and more about understanding management (connecting with the other person). If this is our main goal, then we will naturally slow down and take the time necessary for good communication.

...listen for what they are trying to say, not just how they are saying it. There is no doubt that how something is said is very important, but when listening if we fail to take into account the whole picture, we will constantly jump to the wrong conclusion. Especially when it comes to meaningful, emotion-filled communication, often people use the wrong words or the wrong tone. But a skilled listener focuses on the heart of the communicator and seeks first their meaning and intention, not their tone and word choice.

...assume the best and stop being suspicious! Too many of us pre-judge the person we are listening too. We listen with an ear that is already full—full of preconceived assumptions, judgements, and prejudice. It is a wonder we can hear anything except what we expect to hear! Our condition tends to be the worst when we are listening to people that we have a history with. History tends to clog the ears because “we’ve heard it before” and we expect history to repeat itself.

Next time you approach a conversation, especially one that you know will be emotionally charged, take a moment to clean your ears. Intentionally wipe the slate clean and decide to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Actually decide to think the best about them and about what they are going to say to you. This simple act will go a long way to help you actually “hear” what they are saying.

If we are motivated by love and we follow these simple principles, then we can certainly grow in our ability to both understand and be understood!