Guidelines Please

by Andrew Cromwell

I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was. After all, I did take literature and philosophy classes in college. In them, I learned pretty much all I had taken for granted about the world was just wrong. All my life I had been told that there was such a thing as good and evil and right and wrong, but my professors told me that these concepts were just social constructs and nothing more than agreed upon norms society had chosen.

I learned there was really no such thing as “right” and “wrong”, only opinions about them. I learned you could pretty much believe whatever you wanted and that was just fine. What mattered was how strongly you felt about these things. Just as long as you didn’t make the mistake of telling someone else what they should think.

And that is why I shouldn’t have been surprised. Because now I see that this way of thinking is trickling down into nearly every area of our lives.

This is the reason parents are no longer giving guidelines to their kids. But let me come back to that in just a moment.

A teacher’s job is to guide and develop students, not just expose them to every thought on the subject. If we wanted only theories, we would buy a book or visit Wikipedia. But we seek teachers because we assume they have learned enough about the subject that they can guide our thoughts. No one is saying they have a corner on the market of truth, but we would hope that they have some experience and understanding that are helpful.

But a frequent strategy of teaching today (at least in college in the “soft sciences”) seems to be to expose the students to all the theories and let them make their own conclusions. This often leaves students confused and frustrated. When they ask “but which one is right?”, professors just shrug their shoulders.

Now, back to parenting. It seems parents have bought into this “neutral” stance when it comes to teaching their kids. The strategy seems to be to allow the kids to experience life and leave it to the child to pick their preferred path (or truth). The most important job in parenting seems to be safety — to keep the kid from injuring themselves on this journey of self-discovery.

Here’s the problem. Kids are dumb. Not in the “intelligence” sense but in the “experience” sense. This is why we put covers on electrical sockets and yell at them to keep them from running into the street. They just don’t know enough to know what is right and what is wrong. And half the time they don’t know if what they are feeling inside is an indication of what they should do next or the result of being tired or eating too much sugar or just being selfish.

And when parents don’t step in and actively teach and guide their kids but simply leave it up to the child, then they have failed. The number one job of a parent is not safety, but to teach and train their child in a way they should go.

Parents, you’re the experts (at least in your kids’ world)! Don’t let someone else be the expert for your child until the time is right for them to be handed off to another. Your children desperately need you to tell them what is right and what is wrong in this world that is confused about seemingly everything. 

Send your kids to bed early. Don’t let them watch, eat, play anything they want. Don’t just be their best friend, be their teacher and their guide. They will thank you for it later on!

You're Still Learning Too

You’re Still Learning Too

If you have kids, you know they are wonderful. When they’re still small, there’s nothing quite like their smiles and giggles, their hugs and their handmade little drawings. And as they grow older it is such a joy to watch their unique personality and humor develop and see them grow into adulthood. 

If you have kids, you know they are wonderful. You know they are also incredibly frustrating. They challenge you. They test you. They push your buttons. They can be ungrateful. And on top of that, they eat all your food and spend all your money!

Parenting is a joy, but it is also one of the greatest challenges that we experience in life. Far too often, we get stuck in a parenting style that many learned from their parents—the old ‘stand there and listen to me lecture’ (and maybe even yell a little) ‘and tell you about the realities of life.’ And if the child doesn’t seem like they are paying attention, we just lecture a little longer so as to drive our point home. 

Apart from the fact that this style of parenting is mostly ineffective (remember how well it worked with you?), it does little more than to put us in a position of superiority where we end up portraying to our children that we learned this very lesson long ago and “why can’t they hurry up and learn it too?” 

The other day I was, yet again, frustrated with one of my kids because they gave up too soon (like they tried once and quit when they ran into a little difficulty) on a task I had assigned to them. Now, there is no doubt that one of the things that all of our children need to learn is how to solve problems. Resourcefulness and problem solving is an incredibly important skill in life. 

But I had a moment of revelation as I was telling them how they needed to problem solve before they quit next time. And as I droned on and on, I realized (perhaps God speaks to me too) that I was still dealing with that exact same tendency to give up too soon in my own life. Sure, I was a little further along then my kid, but, wasn’t it just last week that I gave up when that challenge took me longer than I thought it should? Didn’t I get frustrated and walk away? And here I am lecturing as if I’ve got this one down pat.

This changed my whole perspective. Maybe the very things I was teaching my kids, were the same things I was still learning? Maybe the way I needed to talk with them was not like a general commanding, but rather a friend encouraging? Of course, I will still hold them accountable and all that, but I am seeking to change the tone I use from resident expert, to friendly guide.

Romans 12:10 says, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” I believe this applies to our kids as much as it does to anyone else. 

In Parenting Perspective is Key

by Andrew Cromwell

Not too long ago one of our boys took the opportunity to relieve himself in the grass in front of the church after service one Sunday morning. Fortunately he was no older then three. Unfortunately it was his mom that was with him and not his yours truly. Dads understand such things. It is even possible that this particular dad would have congratulated him at exhibiting great wisdom at choosing the grass over the concrete. Come to think of it, maybe it was better he was with his mom and not me, it seems he actually learns something useful when he is with her.

As parents, we are faced with dozens of such issues every day—things our kids do that they shouldn't, things our kids don't do that they should, and everything in between. It is overwhelming. We are tasked with what often seems impossible. We are called to navigate the difficult waters of daily life while at the same time training these little terrorists that have taken our lives hostage into whole, healthy and vital adults.

If we are not careful we can easily loose perspective. I know I do. I am so focused on my kids—what they are doing and what they aren't—that I loose my ability to differentiate between the big stuff and the little stuff. I know what they say, "don't sweat the small stuff." But I find myself reacting to everything that my kids do as if it were all "big stuff".

We have to remind ourselves that parenting is a long process. Raising a child takes years and today's battle is only one of many in the long campaign we are waging to see our kids be victorious as fully functioning adults. It is not that today's issues are unimportant—because more than likely they are—but we must remember that some things are more important than others.

In our house, we are trying to remember that the way that we treat other people is on the "things of major importance" list. It is crucial for our kids to learn how to relate to other people and to treat them with respect. How we talk to others—our parents, our siblings, other adults and other kids—is key. Too many people walk around thinking the world revolves around them because their parents were not able to instill this principle into them.

But relieving oneself on the front lawn....we'll that's just funny.

The pastors in Kings County would love to encourage and support you as parents. It is so wonderful to have a community of people who are also seeking to raise families that love God and love others. Don't go through life thinking you're alone!