What Every Kid Needs

by Sylvia Gaston

Hot off the heels of Vacation Bible School and Father’s Day brings a flood of observations and thoughts about what a kid really needs.

Surrounded by hundreds of kids this past two weeks makes me realize how we underestimate the importance of a solid adult in a kid’s life.

Before you even learn their story, it’s easy to identify a kid in foster care or a kid with parents who are not really present or a kid who wishes he had a dad in his life. They are missing something. They desperately desire that thing they don’t have. This often leads them to find a way to get the attention they crave in negative or destructive ways.

In my profession, you get to know kids in this order:

• The troublesome kid
• The helpful, smart kid
• The quiet or shy kid

Early in my Children’s Ministry career, I ran across a poster that read, “The most unlovable child is the one who needs it the most.” Over the years, I have found that to be true.

All kids need a few simple things. These things cannot be bought. It isn’t elaborate trips, the latest gadgets, or the finest clothes. What kids need isn’t “things” at all but relationship.

According to Harley Rotbart, MD, parenting expert and Vice Chair Emeritus of Pediatrics at Children's Hospital Colorado, the eight things kids need to thrive are:

1. Security: Kids must feel safe and sound: shelter, food, clothing, medical care and protection from harm.
2. Stability: Stability comes from family and community. Ideally, a family remains together in a stable household, but when that's not possible, it's important to disrupt the child's life as little as possible. Kids and families should be a part of a larger community for a sense of belonging, tradition and cultural identity.
3. Consistency: Parents should synchronize their parenting and make sure important values stay consistent.
4. Emotional support: Parents' words and actions should encourage trust, respect, self-esteem and, ultimately, independence.
5. Love: Saying and showing you love your kids can overcome almost any parenting "mistakes" you might make.
6. Education: Make sure your kids get the best possible education for their future. This includes school, of course, but it also includes the invaluable life lessons you provide.
7. Positive role models: You are your kids' first and most important role model. Instill your values and teach children empathy by being the kind of person you want them to become.
8. Structure: Rules, boundaries, and limits: Without them, kids are forced to be adults before they are ready, and they lose respect for you and other adults.

I agree with Dr. Rotbart but would add two more very important things:

Time: Kids often gauge their worth by how much time they are given. It can be time spent doing the simplest of things. Time shows that you value them, love them, and like being in their company. It goes a long way in developing a strong sense of worth, sense of self, and self-esteem.

Faith: Kids need to know about God. They need to know Who created them - on purpose and for a purpose. They need to know that God loves them unconditionally and that He is their lifelong Helper through good times and bad.

You are your child’s spiritual leader. God tells us how important that is in His Word, the Bible. 

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. Always remember these commands that I give you today. Be sure to teach them to your children. Talk about these commands when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road. Talk about them when you lie down and when you get up.”             Deuteronomy 6:5-7

Life is harder and more confusing for kids today than ever. We must equip them as best we can so they can thrive as children and thrive as adults. That includes equipping them to have a life with God – here on earth and after they leave this earth.

Will you always get it right? No. I’ve made more parenting mistakes than I can count. But, despite the mistakes made, I know with certainty that my kids know how much they are loved and that my husband and I will be there to support them, guide them, and pray with them through all that life throws at them.

When they make mistakes or disappoint us (and they will), we will put relationship before being right. That keeps the door open, and the conversations going, so that we have the opportunity to give the love and influence they need. 

Love is simple and it’s what every kid needs.

Kid's Spell Love - TIME

by Roger Watson

This is a chapter title from Zig Ziglar’s book Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World.  The lazy-hazy days of summer may afford your kids with ample extra time for fun and adventure, but it doesn’t add extra hours to most parent’s calendars.My children are grown adults but I remember working full time and attending graduate school when they were young. It seemed like every spare moment was working to provide a living or studying to enhance our future.  I did not have time to invest hours of undivided attention toward them.  It did not mean my love was lacking, it meant I was busy. Can you identify with this challenge in your life?

My definition of love involves making every effort to put the needs of others above your own. Not in place of your needs, but thinking of the other person’s needs first.  In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi he gives some sound advice, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Kids do need our time but they also have other needs that we must be aware of.

Let me give three suggestions that may help in your attempts to love your children and meet their needs:

1) Know the needs at their developmental stage. Pre-schoolers need consistency from their family to build trust, and must be given opportunities to try out their developing skills at their own pace; Elementary children must be allowed to take initiative and be praised for accomplishments they are achieving; Teenagers and Young adults are trying to discover their own identity and develop intimacy. This is not a stage for parents to neglect or fear, it’s a time you get to be a coach in their lives.  They need your active involvement.

2) Affirm their perspectives. Children of all ages need to know that their opinion matters. Find ways to validate their insights. When my children were in grade school I let them plan the vacation route we took from Hanford, CA to Spearfish, S.D. and back. It was the best road trip we ever took as a family. The action communicated their opinion mattered. And finally,

3) Verbally bless their God-given talents and abilities. Proverbs 18:21 says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Yelling at or constantly criticizing the inconveniences your children may be creating has a way of crushing their spirit and destroying their self-esteem. Investing in their talents and highlighting their strengths 
will produce dividends of joy and delight for years to come.  

So while you are trying to find those extra minutes to invest in your children to show your love, focus your energy into areas of need in their lives and make the most out of the time you do have.  And have a great summer, you need it!

You're Still Learning Too

You’re Still Learning Too

If you have kids, you know they are wonderful. When they’re still small, there’s nothing quite like their smiles and giggles, their hugs and their handmade little drawings. And as they grow older it is such a joy to watch their unique personality and humor develop and see them grow into adulthood. 

If you have kids, you know they are wonderful. You know they are also incredibly frustrating. They challenge you. They test you. They push your buttons. They can be ungrateful. And on top of that, they eat all your food and spend all your money!

Parenting is a joy, but it is also one of the greatest challenges that we experience in life. Far too often, we get stuck in a parenting style that many learned from their parents—the old ‘stand there and listen to me lecture’ (and maybe even yell a little) ‘and tell you about the realities of life.’ And if the child doesn’t seem like they are paying attention, we just lecture a little longer so as to drive our point home. 

Apart from the fact that this style of parenting is mostly ineffective (remember how well it worked with you?), it does little more than to put us in a position of superiority where we end up portraying to our children that we learned this very lesson long ago and “why can’t they hurry up and learn it too?” 

The other day I was, yet again, frustrated with one of my kids because they gave up too soon (like they tried once and quit when they ran into a little difficulty) on a task I had assigned to them. Now, there is no doubt that one of the things that all of our children need to learn is how to solve problems. Resourcefulness and problem solving is an incredibly important skill in life. 

But I had a moment of revelation as I was telling them how they needed to problem solve before they quit next time. And as I droned on and on, I realized (perhaps God speaks to me too) that I was still dealing with that exact same tendency to give up too soon in my own life. Sure, I was a little further along then my kid, but, wasn’t it just last week that I gave up when that challenge took me longer than I thought it should? Didn’t I get frustrated and walk away? And here I am lecturing as if I’ve got this one down pat.

This changed my whole perspective. Maybe the very things I was teaching my kids, were the same things I was still learning? Maybe the way I needed to talk with them was not like a general commanding, but rather a friend encouraging? Of course, I will still hold them accountable and all that, but I am seeking to change the tone I use from resident expert, to friendly guide.

Romans 12:10 says, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” I believe this applies to our kids as much as it does to anyone else. 

Tech Wisdom for Parents (and everyone else too)

by Andrew Cromwell

If you’re anything like me, there are days when you feel like the world is moving faster than you are. From what I hear on the news, it feels like I should be tweeting on Twitter, posting clever photos on Instagram, making funny short videos on Vine, and posting reviews on Yelp. Oh, and I probably should be sending inappropriate photos of myself on Snapchat and looking for “no strings attached” hookups on Tinder.

And while I’m definitely not doing most any of these things, I also get the sense that my kids either are doing it right now or they will be soon. And that’s a little scary because I’ve read some of the statistics:

• 22% of teen girls and 18% of teen boys have sent/posted nude or seminude photos of themselves.
• 1 in 3 teens have experienced online harassment.
• 44% of tweens have watched something online that their parents wouldn’t approve of.
• At least 25% of 10-17 year olds were exposed to porn they weren’t looking for last year.

As a parent, I can either throw up my hands and just give up or I can boldly enter into the fray. My wife and I have picked the second strategy. We have decided we are not going to allow the media and our culture to determine what our kids are exposed to. Our goal is not to control and restrict but rather to proactively protect and teach our kids how to deal with this amazing tool called the Internet.

Our philosophy is that we know better than our kids. Sure our kids can fix the computer, set up the TV and generally run circles around us with technology, but we KNOW better about what is good for them. We have experience. We have more experience and have a better perspective on what they should see and when.

This is why we make our kids eat their vegetables. It is why we don’t let our kids—who are all under 13—watch scary movies before bed (or at all). It is why we don’t let our kids go on the Internet unsupervised. It is why we have talked to our kids about the types of things that are on the Internet and discussed what they should do when they see something they know is not right. BECAUSE THEY’RE KIDS.

So let me encourage you parents out there who care about protecting your kids’ innocence and preserving their ability to communicate with other human beings in person, to put restrictions on your kids’ electronic devices. This is a tough thing to do, but it is worth it.

God gave you your kids and He knows best how to help you raise them. 

Summer Parenting

by Andrew Cromwell

Summer is upon us yet again. Kids are counting down the days until school is out. Last season’s swim trunks and pool towels are seeing use once again. In our house, even the parents are excited about the break from the routine of homework, lunch preparation and daily school drop-offs and pickups. But I remember how this goes. 

A few weeks into the break, the initial excitement will wear off and the words “I’m bored” combined with long stares at any parent within line of sight will be uttered, not once but over and over again. Parents, who were initially thrilled for the break, will suddenly long for the structure of school and homework and routine and will begin counting down the days until school is back in!

Now, I don’t believe it is a parent’s responsibility to keep their kids entertained every moment of the summer. Actually, a healthy dose of boredom is good for every kid, especially if they can’t fill the boredom with video games or iPads or TV. Who knows, they might actually have to use their imaginations and creativity and get outside and get dirty.

But summer does provide us with an opportunity to spend time with our kids, create memories, and even implant some important things inside of them. There is much to be said for unscheduled time, and I am not suggesting that you need to turn into a summer camp coordinator and schedule every moment with games and crafts carefully culled from your favorite Pinterest boards. I do suggest that you be intentional about this summer.

Being intentional means that you have a plan. If you don’t have a plan, the summer will be gone before you know it. Here are three ways you can plan for a great summer:

First, plan to spend time together. For some families, that means actually going somewhere on a vacation. For others, that simply means doing things together at home. Wherever you are, swim together, play board games together, go on walks down to get ice cream or a cold drink, stay up late and watch movies, and on and on. As a parent, resist the urge to let the kids always go off and be on there own, do what you can to be together.

Second, plan to do something new. Don’t let the summer go by without having at least one new experience with the family. Go somewhere different and do something different, don’t just do the same old thing. This doesn’t even have to cost money. Learn how to make hats out of newspaper, make one for everyone in the family and make them wear them for dinner one night. Go on a hike together. Walk through a new neighborhood with the family. Cook a meal together. Just make it something new.

Third, plan to talk about real life. There are so many important things to talk to your kids about — money, sex, love, God, dating, and how to treat people are just a few. Your kids need your guidance on these issues, even if they’re not asking you. And talking with them about these things doesn’t generally work very well if it means sitting them down and announcing, “We need to talk about SEX!” (or whatever topic). This is not something you can force, but if you think about two or three things that you want to communicate to your kids this summer and then look for opportunities—opportunities not to lecture but to share—then you will see them. 

So what’s your plan for this summer? Ephesians 5:16 says, “make the most of every opportunity…” Don’t miss the opportunity this summer presents to you and your family. God wants to draw your family closer, use you to guide them and most of all, He wants you to have fun!