Three Nights in Paris

by Andrew Cromwell

Last summer, my family had the incredible opportunity to spend a month in Europe.  We traveled through Belgium and France and dipped into the Netherlands, Germany and even Switzerland. Since it was a family trip, we visited cathedrals and castles as well as water parks and zoos. The trip ranks at the top of our family experiences, except, that is, for our time in Paris.

Since we were staying with family, my wife and I had planned to leave the kids and travel alone to Paris for three nights. When the time came, we hopped on a bullet train and traveled at upwards of 200 miles an hour to the most romantic city in the world. We checked into a four star hotel (for $70 a night!) and prepared for a memorable mini-vacation.

And it was memorable, but not in the way we had hoped. Yes, we saw the sights—we visited the Louvre and saw the Mona Lisa, walked across the Seine on Pont Neuf, blissfully watched the world go by on a canal cruise, and ate escargot and rabbit in the 6th Arrondissement. We held hands and we walked and walked and walked (which is not optional in Paris). 

But most of the time, even while surrounded by the beauty, my wife and I were just not clicking. At first the disconnect was below the surface, but as the hours wore on (and as I continued to drag her from sight to sight), the tension rose until finally on the third day it all came to a head on a rainy Paris morning.

Right in the middle of the best vacation, we had the worst vacation of our marriage.  And while we have long since reconciled and can now laugh about it, Paris stands as a paragon of dark irony—the most romantic city turned nightmare (at least for the two of us). 

Have you ever had a vacation like that? Or maybe it wasn’t a vacation, but it was a time when you and your spouse were just not clicking and you were caught in a downward spiral that you couldn’t escape. Chances are, if it hasn’t, it will. There are times when even the best of friends get out of sync, communication breaks down, and feelings get hurt. 

Jesus said in Luke chapter 17, “offenses will come!” We should expect it. If we don’t, then we are setting ourselves up for some big surprises. The real challenge is not avoiding offense and conflict, it is being able to walk through it and come out better friends on the other side. 

How do you keep conflict from driving a wedge between you and your spouse? Here are a few things I’ve learned that may be helpful the next time you find yourself in a Paris situation.

First, be careful what you say. Watch your mouth! Proverbs 10:19 says, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” When we are hurt we tend to lash out in anger and cause more hurt. Don’t do it.

Second, choose kindness rather than coldness. You have a choice to make when things are going well, you can move towards your spouse or move away. Most of us tend to move away. We start to freeze our spouse out. Next time, instead of the cold shoulder treatment, actually choose to be MORE kind and considerate and not less. Caution: this must be genuine—don’t do it sarcastically or be passive aggressive, it will only make things worse.

Third, deal with the offense quickly. The longer you wait to ask forgiveness for your part (you know you played a part in it so go ahead and take responsibility), the more difficult it becomes to actually heal the breach. Many couples pursue the strategy of never actually dealing with the offense and instead simply ignore it and hope that it doesn’t come up again. But this failed strategy will only set the stage for a future, and probably worse, conflict.

Fourth, remember who the enemy is. The enemy is not your spouse; stop treating them like they are. Link hands even when you’re hurting because you want to come out of this lovers not fighters.

So the next time Paris comes a knocking, have a strategy!