You've Got Mail

Pastor Blake Cromwell and Ross Zimmerman

I am a pastor and not a film critic, but it is hard for me to not analyze a film I recently saw that has a lot to say about romance and relationships in our contemporary culture. The film I am talking about is a romantic comedy titled, "You've Got Mail" starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I want to begin by saying that I did enjoy the film. Much of the dialogue was witty and clever, the cinematography was great, and the characters were very likable people. But I feel that it is important for me to look past the pleasant facade and seriously analyze the inner workings of the relationship in this movie and it's portrayal of romantic love.

In the movie, the two main characters meet on the Internet in a chat room. It starts out as a platonic relationship, but soon leads to romance. Witty communication inspires curiosity, which leads to both of the characters reflecting upon how shallow their current relationships are with their live-in lovers. There are missing ingredients in their romantic lives that drives them to try and fill the void with the companionship of someone else. In the movie, it is convenient that neither of the characters is married. There is no messy divorce with battles over the kids that would stir up melancholy emotions within the movie goers. With one of the characters, all we hear of the break-up is that he went home one evening and moved out. We do not have to deal with any of the confrontation, heartbreak, anger, and pain that are always present in the dissolving of a romantic relationship. In the other relationship we see the break-up, but it is portrayed as a joyous revelation between the two people in realizing that they each no longer love one another.

Even though neither of these characters is married, the pastor/counselor instinct within me was sparked concerning people who are married and feel like something is missing in their own marriage relationship. A void is felt, and everybody hates the feeling of a void within. Meg Ryan's character in fact speaks of this void. In one scene she is composing an e-mail to Tom Hanks, and she is sharing all of the unanswered questions she has concerning her life and current relationship. After completing her message, she says that she does not send it in hopes of receiving any answers, she is just sending it out into the great cosmic 'void.' The presence of a void within us indicates that we have unmet needs. This void creates a hunger within us that needs to be fed, and in the case of romantic hunger it can be dangerous if it is left untreated. Affairs, divorces, and heart break will many times be avoided if the married couple can discover the basic needs of their spouse.

There is a book by Willard F. Harley Jr. titled, “His Needs, Her Needs” that was written specifically for married couples to help them to understand the basic needs of their spouse. In his book, Harley identifies the ten most important marital needs of husbands and wives and teaches each of them how to fulfill the other's needs. Couples who seem irresistible to each other when their marriage begins may become incompatible if they fail to meet these ten very important needs.

The needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are very different. I have a quiz for you to help you see if you are able to identify which needs are his and which are hers. Out of the ten marital needs listed here, see if you can identify those that are most important to you, and those that are most important to your spouse.

Needs: admiration, affection, an attractive spouse, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment.

His Hers
1._________________ 1.__________________
2._________________ 2.__________________
3._________________ 3.__________________
4._________________ 4.__________________
5._________________ 5.__________________

If you would like to find out if your answers are correct, please call the office at Koinonia Christian Fellowship at 582-1528, or e-mail me at info@kcfchurch.org. I will send you a free booklet entitled “His Needs, Her Needs” published by Focus on the Family that will give you the answers to the quiz and further your knowledge in filling the void. Or if you prefer, stop by and visit us at 323 E. 11th St. in Hanford.

Contact me soon. I love to hear the words, “You’ve Got Mail.”